Pure Genius II

Abolish Art

noreply@blogger.com (The Master of All) — Fri, 31 Aug 2007 23:50:00 +0000

You know what one of the most awful things in the world is? Getting your ass kicked. Thankfully, I never have (and never will have) this problem.

You know what else sucks? Art. Yes, art. And when I say art, I’m talking about paintings and drawings and shit like that. Not music and movies. Music rules.

It’s all completely worthless. I mean, come on now. Art? Who really gives a shit? What good is it? It’s not. Art is completely useless.

But painting pictures is a way for an artist to express him/herself!
So? What the hell does it matter what some “artist” has to express? It doesn’t really. Especially if the person who did the painting describes his or her occupation simply as “artist.” That’s all you do? What a waste! Unless you’re doing something with your pictures, like making a cartoon about clowns who scare the shit out of kids at circuses, then your drawing is completely pointless.

I’m in college right now and I made the mistake of taking an art history class (my degree requires it, so I didn’t have much choice). So, I was thinking maybe this class would help me understand and appreciate art. And you know what? For the first time in my life, I was wrong. I have come to realize there is really nothing to appreciate about art. It’s all a bunch of inane bullshit. I hate every second of it. Sure, some of it looks good, but even when it looks nice it’s still pointless.

Now don’t get me wrong. I have no problem with people who like to draw and paint pictures in their spare time. That’s fine. It’s the people who “make art for a living” that piss me off. Worse yet are people who aspire to “be artists.” What the hell does that mean? You’re going to spend the rest of your life painting meaningless garbage and hoping to auction it off to some pompous, rich asshole who has nothing better to spend their money on. That’s what it fucking means.

I have an idea for a painting. It’s a painting in which you’re sitting there in your cold and empty one-person apartment overlooking the streets below with a bunch of pictures all over the place that you made and no one wants. Call it a self-portrait.

Fuck paintings. Fuck art. Fuck art history.

Speaking of shitty art, how about theater? There’s another degree that’s bound to lead you nowhere. Who gives two drops of bird shit about theater and plays?

This is for all of you theater majors: you’ll never be a movie star, you’ll never get on Broadway, and you’ll never be an accomplished playwright.

Unless you plan on teaching theater or something (in which case you’re an asshole), just change your plans right now because your degree in theater will get you nowhere.

Don’t act in plays and don’t go on stage unless you’re in a badass rock band (note: you’re not) because only the most easily amused people will be there to watch you. Don’t feel good about yourself when people show up to watch you either. They just have nothing better to do. And if you do act on stage or something, don’t bow when you’re done. The audience isn’t cheering FOR you, they’re cheering because your shitty performance is over and they can go home and do something worthwhile, like chew on rocks.

Art and “the arts” are a complete waste of time, space, and effort. Don’t ever get involved with this bullshit.

R.I.P. Anna Nicole Smith

noreply@blogger.com (The Master of All) — Mon, 12 Feb 2007 04:19:00 +0000

We are gathered here today,
To say goodbye.
We'll miss you every day,
Now that you've up and died.

Now I'm not going to pretend,
I'm not happy to see you go.
For you this is the end,
Well...later ho.

Yeah, that's my goodbye poem for Vickie Lynn Marshall, aka Anna Nicole Smith. I'm going to be completely honest: when I first found out Anna Nicole croaked, I was shocked. Then once the initial surprise wore off (not that I was saddened by the news, mind you), I realized something: good riddance. Come on everybody, let's hear it for Anna Nicole Smith: hip, hip, hooray!

You're such a heartless asshole! She just died and you're happy about it? How insensitive can you be?
Not insensitive enough. Oooh...another porn star/Playboy model down the drain. Big deal. That bitch was about as irreplaceable as her breasts, and equally as fake. Oh and a big HA HA to anyone who enjoyed those fun bags: they're probably melting away with the rest of Anna Nicole in the bowels of Hell right now. What a shame.

Why have I no sympathy for Vickie Lynn (which I think is a way better name than Anna Nicole)? Simple. She exemplified everything I hate about women: she was fake, shallow, vain, whorish, and worst of all, she gave the institution of marriage a big slap in the face when she married J. Howard Marshall (a man made rich from the oil industry; he was 89 years old at the time they were married). How is that a slap in the face of marriage? Marriage is supposed to be a showing of love and dedication of two individuals (I'm not specifying gender either so go eat nuts if you don't like it) who want to spend the rest of their lives together in holy matrimony. Contrary to what anyone tells you, Anna Nicole married him for his money.
But she may have actually loved him!
Right. Two problems with that theory:
1.) She was 26, he was 89- that's a 63 year difference for those of you who can't do math. In perspective, that's a man approaching the age of retirement, marrying a newborn. Tell me what the hell a 26 year old could see in an 89 year old? Wrinkles and a worn out penis maybe, but more importantly, a bottomless wallet.
2.) Women don't love.

Anna Nicole Smith married an 89 year old billionaire for his money and his money only: for that alone the bitch deserved to die and I'm thankful she did.

On another note I do really feel sorry for her 5-month old daughter. Poor kid is going to be stuck living her life in the shadow of, and in the absence of her mother. I have no clue who the child's father is, but hopefully it's someone who can pick up the slack and be a parent to the little girl. Then again, in order to get her pregnant, he must have taken it upon himself to stick himself into that hollowed-out cave-gina of hers. Oh well. There's always adoption.

TV sucks.

noreply@blogger.com (The Master of All) — Fri, 15 Dec 2006 05:47:00 +0000

Man...I remember the days when I used to watch TV regularly. Shows like Beavis & Butt-Head, Pinky & the Brain, Johnny Bravo, Doug, Hey Arnold!, Rocko's Modern Life, Ren & Stimpy...oh yeah, those were the days (yes, I like cartoons). Days when I could sit on my ass, eat chips, drink Pepsi, and not have to worry about getting annoyed by commercials about erectile dysfunction. It's not so anymore I'm afraid. Now television is littered with what can only be described as shit. Fresh, steaming, shit with peanut-chunks in it.
Television shows that I loathe:

Everybody Loves Raymond- Yeah, this show pisses me off. I really don't see much humor in it at all. Stupid jokes every 5 seconds followed by canned laughter and applause. Reminds me of Friends, which I also hate. Ray Ramano looks like my 9th grade civics teacher, sort of, and that just sucks. More importantly, this show tends to remind me of another I hate: Seinfeld. Why, you ask? Well, just like the tall, dumb jackass on Seinfeld (I believe his name is Kramer- you know, the racist), Everybody Loves Raymond has it's own residential douche-lick with a deep voice reminiscent of one with a mental handicap (no, Kramer doesn't have a deep voice; he still reminds me of one with a mental handicap though). Just like the one on Seinfeld and just as not-funny as the one on Seinfeld. I think any show with an arrogant-ass title like Everybody Loves Raymond should be remotely entertaining. Personally I'd rather shave my ass with a sponge than watch this garbage.

Seinfeld- Another one of those shows that everyone seems to love even though it's about as fun to watch as shoving a nail into your genitals. And that's being nice. Jerry Seinfeld himself has an annoying voice which is incredibly whiny and nasal sounding. I should punch that guy in the face, break his nose, then have him get rhinoplasty to remedy this little problem. What a horrible "stand-up comic" he is too. Damn...I hate when people sit around at school and talk about this show. How little meaning your life must have to talk about your favorite ooh-ha-ha moments on Seinfeld for fun.

Friends- I don't like this show. It's that simple.

Family Guy- Oh yeah, I'm gonna get a bunch of shit thrown my way for this one. Oh well, you bastards don't matter. Family Guy is a decent show to be honest. It's the fans of the show that piss me off the most. All I ever hear after someone says something anymore is "yeah, like that episode of Family Guy when..." followed by any possible shit-wanged idea you could possibly think of. Shut the hell up. It's not that damn good people. The most sickening thing about it all? When I hear people talking about Family Guy and they're like "that was so funny dude! Where do they come up with this stuff!?" Are you fucking retarded, buddy? If anyone honestly thinks any of the humor on this show is "smart" or "thought out," then I personally think that he/she just might enjoy a rimjob from an alligator. Damn stupid Family Guy t-shirts all over the place and they're all the same. The vast majority of them involve showing how hilariously evil Stewie is, or showing just how Goddamn funny Peter Griffin is by saying "Freakin' Sweet!" Enough already.

Just about any of those dating shows on MTV- what the hell is this anyway? Dating shows on MTV? I thought MTV was supposed to mean "Music Television" not "Moronic dating shows that are as entertaining as watching my own ass wrinkle as I age Television." Date My Mom is stupid, to say the least. Some guy/girl dates takes three different mothers on dates to try to determine whose son/daughter to go out with. That's a shitty idea. I mean, if that were me on there and I had to go on a date with my girlfriend's mom, I'd probably go home afterwards and staple my own face to a lightning rod during a thunderstorm. My girlfriend is nothing like her mother (thank God), and that's exactly what I want. So screw you and your shitty ideas for dating shows MTV. Speaking of parents that make me want to puke, let's not forget MTV's show Parental Control. In this amazing show, parents set their son/daughter up on two different dates to try to sway them to break up with their current significant other. At the end of the two dates, the son/daughter eliminates one of the three options (Mom's date, Dad's date, and the original significant other). One of the parents choices is always eliminated first, so that it comes down to parent's choice versus child's choice. Oooh....such heavy dramatic tension! The only good thing about this show is that while they are all watching the dates on television as they happen, the parents and the boyfriend/girlfriend sit there and take turns making fun of each other. If only I had such an opportunity. Ha ha...just kidding. The last of the MTV dating shows is a wonderful one indeed. In fact, the title of the show describes my response if someone were to ask me how I felt about watching it:

You know what? Screw TV. I'll go back to playing with Tonka trucks or something.

What the hell is a TomKat?

noreply@blogger.com (The Master of All) — Sun, 26 Nov 2006 02:18:00 +0000

Tom "Cruise" (real name: Thomas Cruise Mapother IV) and Katie Holmes (real name: Kate Noelle) got married recently, on November 18. Woopee! Who really cares that these two got married? Oooh you two got married in a Scientology ceremony in a castle in Italy? I admit, that would be impressive, but you lost my interest at "Scientology."

Scientology, what a joke. A religion you have to pay to be a part of that believes aliens have created all of our reality by forcing our "thetans" (think, spirits) to watch movies of propaganda to control us. Enter L. Ron Hubbard, a science fiction writer. Thank God (who, according to Scientology, does not exist) L. Ron Hubbard was born to figure all of this out! Here's how it goes: an evil galactic space ruler named Xenu got pissed because he was about to be removed from power and decided to rid his territory of its excess population. Xenu told a bunch of people that they were being summoned for "income tax inspections" and when they arrived he injected them with some shit that paralyzed them. After stacking the bodies around the base of some volcanoes, Xenu dropped hydrogen bombs into the volcanoes and blew all the people's bodies up (a few survived though, which is where the clusters of spirits went to occupy after they were forced to watch the 36-day 3-D space movie I mentioned earlier). Thankfully, the Loyal Officers (the good guys) finally got off their asses and captured Xenu; then they locked Xenu away in a mountain where he is kept locked up by a force field powered by an eternal battery.
Seriously. People believe this shit. This is why celebrities are to be ignored when they talk about politics, or anything else for that matter- they're retarded.

So Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are the ones who have it all figured out apparently. As for me, I'm going to release Xenu someday just to piss them off.

Check out this picture:

Anyone else see a problem here with this picture? I do.
The problem? In this picture Tommy-boy appears taller than his dumbass wife.
Tiny Tom is 5' 7"
Tom's wife is 5'9" (according to Wikipedia; 5'8" according to a Google search)
My question is this: is CruiseShip wearing platform shoes or something? Why is his ass taller than hers in this stupid picture? Damn. First these two can't even be honest about their names, now they're deceiving us all about who is taller. I say we just chop their legs off at the knee and make them even. If that won't work, behead them.

Oh no, wait. We can't kill them off because then little baby Suri would be left all alone in this alien-dictated world. What a name. Who the hell names their kid Suri? A couple assholes, that's who. Well I don't know where else I'm going with this. I guess the point is that a) Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes can kiss my ass, b) Scientology is stupid, c) Tom Cruise is shorter than his wife, contrary to the picture they want you to see, d) celebrities always name their kids something dumb, and e) being a celebrity doesn't make you shit- you and your overhyped, unimportant wedding can go to hell. Or Massachusetts- since that's the only place gay marriage is allowed (presently) and we all know Tom Cruise is gay (hey, Katie Holmes could be a man). Maybe that's why he got married in Italy! Wait...if gay marriage is what he based his decision of location for his wedding on, shouldn't he have gone to France then? Bah...

Bullshit.

New Jersey: The Shit State

noreply@blogger.com (The Master of All) — Fri, 03 Nov 2006 20:15:00 +0000

You know what's worse than New York, California, Florida, Mexico, and France combined? Nothing. But New Jersey is damn close. Really though, New Jersey is America's landfill- just look at the trash that lives there. The best thing to come out of New Jersey (other than my girlfriend, indirectly) is Bon Jovi. It's pretty shitty when the best thing to come out of a state is a hair metal band.

New Jersey sucks, we should just wipe it off the map. That place is a shit stain on the face of the U.S.

It's no wonder the air is so filthy in NJ, look what kind of shit lives there. Hell...Camden, New Jersey was named "America's Most Dangerous City" in 2004 and 2005. That just goes to show the quality of life in the Asshole of America, aka New Jersey. Thankfully everyone there is dying or something because it was only ranked at #3 on the dangerous cities list in 2006.

The Bloodhound Gang wrote a song about New Jersey on their album "Hooray for Boobies" that showcases New Jersey in all its greatness. The song is titled "The 10 Best Things About New Jersey" and consists of ten seconds of silence. Couldn't have said it better myself.

I saw a great idea in one of my friends' AIM profile. It said "put this [message] in your profile if you think we should just blow up New Jersey and give Pennsylvania a beach." Hot damn! Sounds good to me. Although the beach would be among the worst in the world since it would be made out of the remains of New Jersey. Maybe we can put criminals there. Wait, wait, nevermind. All the criminals are already out there. You see? There's no making this place any better.

I hate New Jersey. I could go on and rant some more about it, but I think I'd rather use a razor-edged staple remover to pluck my eyes out than think about this place any more than I already have.
All this thinking about it, I got dumber in the process of writing this. Appreciate it you bastards.

Equality my ass.

noreply@blogger.com (The Master of All) — Mon, 25 Sep 2006 02:20:00 +0000

Have I slipped into an alternate dimension? A dimension where I'm forced to live in pre-Civil War America? An America where racism runs rampant and is ignored quite blatantly? No, of course I haven't slipped into such a dimension. Those days were far worse in terms of racism, however I have to wonder what ever happened to true equality and unity between people.

Now before I start off, I'd like to (as usual) make it known that I am not a racist. If you think I AM a racist, please email me so that I can personally tell you to kiss my ass. Thank you. Now let's begin.

Last week here at Penn State Harrisburg, we had what was called "club fest." It was basically an event where various clubs here from school set up tables in the main plaza of campus to try to recruit people and whatnot. And since it earned me credit in my First Year Seminar course, I attended the event and browsed through the clubs that were there. The one that sparked my interest the most (and not because I wanted to join it), was a club exclusively for black students here at Penn State Harrisburg. Am I the only one with my head out of my ass enough to see something wrong here? Sounds like a racist organization to me. But first let's define racism.

Racism is defined as "Discrimination or prejudice based on race" by the American Heritage Dictionary. Okay, now let's examine further. Since I can't recall the name of the club offhand, we're going to refer to it as the Black Students Club (BSC). The BSC is a club exclusively for African-American students here at Penn State Harrisburg, thus any other race is denied entrance into this club. Denying someone entrance into an establishment due to their race is discrimination. The BSC denies membership based on race- thus, they are discriminating. According to the dictionary referenced earlier, discrimination based on race is racism. Therefore, the BSC openly practices racism in its recruiting tactics. Sadly, this is overlooked by the Penn State policy that claims to not tolerate bigotry, racism, sexism, discrimination, and all other similar practices. Why is it acceptable for this to go on? I don't mean to make the BSC out to sound like a bunch of hate-filled racists or anything, but the group itself practices racism, whether the members involved realize it or not. And no matter how any of you assholes look at it, the fact remains that this IS racism. Not only that, it is University-sponsored racism.

All this time, groups have been begging for equality -- when and where did the quest for equality turn into a quest for supremacy?

If I were to form a student club here at school called The White Students Club, I'd get shut the hell down faster than I can even imagine. I would be called a skinhead, a racist piece of shit, and a white supremacist. People would tell me to go join the KKK and burn a cross (after which I would kindly tell them to go suck piss). I can only imagine the heat I'd get from people if I made a group like that. Not that I ever would of course, but that isn't the point.

Look, I know that African-Americans were mistreated very very extensively by whites during the earlier years of the United States, but there is nothing I can do about that. Thankfully, times have changed and a lot of racism has been dealt with (yes, I know that racism still goes on, blah blah blah, but not as widely as it did before). Either way, the circumstances of the past absolutely cannot justify the practice of any kind of racism today. That would be like Jews saying that they should be allowed to kill six million Germans for what happened to them in World War II. Anyone can see that is a completely ridiculous idea. This is the same concept.

I don't know where I'm going with this. I guess I just wanted to illustrate the point that there really is no such thing as "equality" when things like this are allowed to go on. Once again, we live in a world of double standards.

Makes me sick.

Biology sucks.

noreply@blogger.com (The Master of All) — Thu, 07 Sep 2006 14:44:00 +0000

Well, first I think I'll start out by saying this: fuck biology. Biology pisses me the hell off like no class I can remember.

Maybe it's wrong of me to like to think of myself as anything more than a walking, talking hunk of meat. In reality, I think I can honestly say that I am more than just another animal on this planet. But no, biology, you insist that I'm on par with creatures such as coral, dung beetles, and three toed-sloths. And while I do enjoy the sight of a good three-toed sloth, I don't think that we are what can be considered equal in terms of a whole lot of anything. I mean, sure we share some things in common: hair, eyeballs, a mouth, the occasional vagina or penis (which is probably much larger than mine), and of course a brain. My problem with biology is that I think it undermines everything about life and why I live. If I'm just another animal, why do I bother living? As with other animals, I'll likely not make any contribution at all to existence nor will I have any kind of significance at all when time is reflected upon. Wow, life really doesn't seem worth living anymore. Thanks, biology, you heartless bitch.

Not only this, I'm not big on believing evolution. I don't find anything even remotely appealing about the theory of evolution; oh and it IS just a theory, not a "principal" as my asshole of a textbook claims it to be since it's so "widely accepted by a majority of scientists worldwide." Know what, biology textbook? Eat shit, that's what. I can convince the entire world that basketball is a game invented by the Great Tofu People of Virginia from the year 12-whore-98 under the influence of a hot, spicy boner but that doesn't make it true does it? Of course not and I'm sure that fuckhell biologists would be among the first to point it out to me.

My textbook pisses me off so damn much that I just want to bite my lungs out then choke myself with them. For one, it has the nerve to call evolution a "principal" merely on the basis that some people accept it as truth. Then it has the nerve to get all preachy about how humans are threatening the stability of the planet by the way we alter other ecosystems for our own selfish means (a big example in the book was the estimated rate of 400 species being put to extinction each day). Hm, is it just me or does Mr. Biology undermine his own theory of evolution? Or is it now acceptable to hold a species to a double standard, even if we ARE just animals? You see, I was always taught that part of evolution included the "survival of the fittest." "Survival of the fittest" reasoning says that only the strong survive while the weak die off due to being incapable of sustaining life under present conditions. If this really is part of evolution, and we humans are just animals, then doesn't it make perfect sense that all these other animals are being killed off by us? Hell, we're the strongest, they're the weakest- let the motherfuckers die, we don't need them. It's the natural thing to do. But no, biology, you insist that even if we are no more than any other animal in existence, it is still our responsibility to babysit all the other animals.

Hold up here, folks, biology isn't done not-making-sense just quite yet. Well, actually this is directed toward the lovely people who wrote/published/shat out my $117 biology book (which, for $117, should get me off every time I turn a page). I'm supposed to conserve trees and plants and blah blah blah, but you don't? I say this because as numerous professors here at college have stated, it is completely unnecessary to publish edition after edition of the same damn text. Switching the order of chapters doesn't constitute making more books. Sure, I kill a tree or two with my paper consumption but not nearly as many trees as you hypocritical arseholes do by pinching off all these damn biology textbooks. Ah, now let us ask ourselves why a company would bother to shell out all these editions of the same book hm? It's simple really. If edition one of book A sold well, we'll make it again so that book B sells well too (even though schools don't really need to re-buy them, they do anyway) and we get more money, yaaaaay! Alright conservation-crazy biologists, you just not only killed off another 19 acres of rainforest for books, you killed off another 19 acres to make paper money with! KICK ASS!!!!!!!!!!

So to the hypocritical dicks at McGraw-Hill, thanks for the following: a) attempting to strip life of its significance and meaning, b) trying to slap the face of all who do not accept evolution as truth, and c) painting a wonderful picture of the kind of hypocrisy that's running the state of the world straight to hell.

The solution to all of your problems.

noreply@blogger.com (The Master of All) — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 04:05:00 +0000

I figured it out today. What did I figure out you ask? EVERYTHING.
Every question you've ever needed the answer to, I have the answer for.

So allow me to introduce to you the PERFECT solution for all of your problems: suicide.
So you're not sure how suicide is the answer to all of life's questions, eh? Well allow me to give you a few examples.

Pregnant? Hell, nothing says suicide like pregnancy. Come on, be honest with yourself here: you're not ready to have children. In fact, you'll probably one of the shittiest parents in the world. Plus if you have a kid and it pisses me off, I'll be coming to your house to stomp your ass, and that'd be even WORSE than suicide. No one wants me to deliver an ass beating after their stupid-shit kid gets on my nerves. NO ONE.

This one is to help all of my fellow seniors out there: can't get accepted to college? Eh, to hell with all of it. If you can't get accepted at some college or other post-secondary school, you're probably just destined for failure and no one wants a life like that. So just end it and save your parents a lot of money. If you kill yourself now, they'll have plenty of money for your funeral! You've always wanted a fancy funeral didn't you? Of course you did. You're an asshole. You ought to just kill yourself for wanting an expensive funeral anyway. Jeez...quit being such a spoiled little brat. Once you're dead you won't give a damn about your funeral anyway. The best way to do it in this case is to drown yourself in the ocean that way there will be no physical part of you left for anyone to bury. At least you'll have done something right.

If you're an asshole that writes hit lists and drops them around at school to create semi-disorder: death is the only option for you. No, really. What the hell are you trying to prove anyway? If you're going to go nuts and attack our school, man up and do it you pussy. Don't tease me by pretending. Which brings me to another point: why am I not on the hit list(s)? I make it a point to be a dickhead to as many people as I possibly can yet I don't make it onto some piss-ant's hit list? Must be a moron writing the list. In all honesty, if you're going to shoot up the school, why reveal it to everyone and draw all of this attention to the idea? Do you want caught that badly? You're making me ask too many questions and thus you should do the right thing and answer them all for me. With a single gunshot. Directed at yourself. With suicide- the solution to all of your problems.

Know what? To hell with it all. EVERYONE should commit suicide and solve EVERY problem in the world. With no one left, there will be no one to start shit. And with no one left, I'll be able to roam the earth as I please and do what I want without people pissing me off- which should be a crime punishable by execution...legally I mean. Just because executing those who piss me off isn't legal doesn't mean I'm not allowed to do it.

Remember- I write the rules, I break the rules.

***just so you know, I'm not planning on EVER killing ANYONE...so don't kick me out of school for fuck's sake.

I now respect police again.

noreply@blogger.com (The Master of All) — Thu, 20 Apr 2006 01:32:00 +0000

....check out this frickin' awesome video of a typical arrogant asshole acting tough with police. Unlike those pussies on COPS, this guy didn't take any shit. We need more ass-kicking cops like this. There'd be a lot less jackasses running around town acting like "thugs" if ALL the police would do this. I swear, every time I see some skinny-ass white kid wearing a heavy winter coat (a big white Parka for instance), a white baseball cap turned somewhat sideways, and a pair of South Pole jeans hanging below his asscrack, I just want to go ape-shit and stomp some ass straight into the ground. Dickheads anyway...

Bastards.

Who the hell do they think they are running around like they own the place?

Loud-mouthed oafs.

I hate them. I hate them all and I'd like to erase them from my midst.

Same goes for those weightlifters that walk around with thier man-tits, I'm sorry, "pecs" held up high like people are impressed. Wow, you made your pectoral muscles bulge in a way that looks like you have a huge tumor in your chest? Congratulations! I wish I could do that. You know what? Your muscles may be huge, but unless you're going to use them for something, what does it matter? All you're doing is taking up space. MY space. Oooh, yo bitches, check out mah gunzzz!! Any broad willing to throw herself at you for the false sense of security you provide for her with your body mass is a douchehole anyway. I hate shallow girls like that. Get over yourself big-guy, there will always be someone out there with bigger, more powerful muscles than you. Failures.

Oh look at me I got off track.
Until I update again, here's the awesome video.

Teaching: why?

noreply@blogger.com (The Master of All) — Tue, 21 Mar 2006 05:44:00 +0000

Nothing is really what it seems. There is a reason for every other reason. What the hell made me think about this? Well, sitting in class today I started to wonder, Why would anyone ever want to be a teacher?

Teachers. They're not stupid and that's why I wonder what drives them. The profession of teaching sucks balls. The pay isn't that great; you only work for and get paid for half a year; students can always find a way to piss you off and make you miserable; you have to do your work at home, not just at your place of employment; before you can enjoy all these "benefits," you have to pay to put your ass through college. Sounds pretty shitty to me. The only conclusion I can come to is that teachers are selfish, narcissistic bastards. Teachers teach for the sense of superiority it gives them. Think about it (I know, thinking is a big thing for me to ask out of you but just do it this once), they must really love themselves. They're just like politicians: they stand around all day and shit out lackluster information and commentary that no one gives a damn about. They love to hear themselves talk. "Just look at all these dumb kids; sitting there silently while I preach my uninteresting nonsense. I'M in control!"

Pricks...think they're big shit. Always making fun of me because I don't learn well from their boring, mediocre teaching. Filthy whores. I ask a question, they give me a look and a smartass answer. "Oh don't worry class, what we're learning today is easy!" No shit? Of course it's easy for you, asshole. You learned this shit years ago in college and you teach it every damn day.

So if someone struggles, they're fearful of looking stupid since this crap is so "easy," and so they don't ask any questions, hence they don't learn anything. Way to go dipshit, you've failed. When teachers fail to teach, students fail to pass.

In essence, the success of a student is based on the luck of the draw. You reach your hand into the had and get either a) a delicious box of Wildberry Pop-Tarts (a good teacher) or b) a recently disturbed nest of pissed off hornets (a shitty teacher). Well I guess you could get c) a winning lottery or d) AIDS from being pricked by a contaminated needle. Either of the last two would make the kind of teacher you get irrelevant. If you're rich from the lottery, who gives a shit? And if you get AIDS, you're screwed unless someone finds a cure, and let's face it: we're too busy making tiny cell phones that you can take pictures with to come up with a cure for AIDS. Wasted technology is way more important than the AIDS crisis.

I got off subject didn't I? Oh well, at least I'm not French.

To sum it up: teachers teach to make themselves feel special, educational success hangs in the balance of what teachers you get, and I still hate cell phones.

How I like my women.

noreply@blogger.com (The Master of All) — Thu, 02 Mar 2006 02:34:00 +0000

Since all the ladies out there have been crawling to my doorstep lately, begging to get crunk with the captain (that is, me, Captain Crunk), I figured I'd list some of the things I look for in a broad.

I like my women like my peanut butter...light brown and chunky.
I like my women like my chairs...with four legs and a comfortable frame to sit on.
I also like my women like my peanut butter in another way...in a jar in the pantry.
I like my women like my shoes...damp and smelly.
I like my women like my evelvators...able to effortlessly carry me from floor to floor.
I like my women like my restaurants...always ready and willing to serve me food.
I like my women like my Slinky's...springy and fun to watch roll down the stairs.
I like my women like my groceries...packed together in a plastic bag.
I like my women like my computers...full of silicone and doing my work for me.
I like my women like my French fries...deep fried and cheesy.
I like my women like my pretzels...twisted and covered in chocolate.
I like my women like my leather...tough, black, and produced by a cow.
I like my women like my Jell-O...cold, green, and jiggly.
I like my women like my belts...wrapped around my waist holding my pants up.
I like my women like my ants...stepped on.
I like my women like my sunflower seeds...roasted and salty.
I like my women like my alcoholics...passed out on the couch.
I like my women like my apples...dangling from a tree.
I like my women like my Buddhists....oh wait, no one likes Buddhists.
I like my women like with pizza....with a six-pack.
I like my women like my ovens....hot and always in the kitchen.

So, any of you bitches think you fit the description? Let me know if you do because you're probably just full of shit, like all other women.
Hey, I'm not picky.

Note to self number three.

noreply@blogger.com (The Master of All) — Thu, 02 Mar 2006 02:33:00 +0000

Hi once again,

Macbeth and Shakespeare suck so I’m going to write myself another note. English sucks. So does everything else for that matter. You know why? Who cares why? It just does and that’s all that matters. Nothing matters. Nothing I do today will have any kind of impact on any aspect of the rest of my life- which hopefully won’t take too long because I’m filled with negative feelings and thoughts and, more importantly, I’m getting bored with it all. Oh well. At least I’m not from the Middle East. JIHAD!!!!
If I actually were from the Middle East though, I’d be a crunk-ass gangsta/terrorist and they’d call me “Profit the Prophet.”

I wish I was a turtle ‘cuz then I’d have a shell and I could hide in it and tell people to piss off and get off my shit. Or when it’s snowy outside I’ll hop into my shell and go sled riding. But then I’d probably get hit by a car and my shell would break. Cars are heavy and move fast. I hate cars. It’d probably be a woman that ran me over because women can never drive without killing something. Then I’d use my super powers to change into a nail and flatten that bitches tire. I would laugh so hard. In fact, if I were human and not a robot I’d probably cry tears of laughter because it’d be hella-funny.

The Chizz is right- I am a cerebral assassin. I’m able to get into peoples’ heads even when I’m not trying to. It’s a shame really. Sometimes I feel bad about being able to control people if I want to. It’s good to be able to see through people’s bullshit though. That’ll come in handy some day when some deceitful ho tries to use me for something. Dumb bitch. No wonder I’ll always be single- there aren’t any girls who can get past my bullshit-radar. Oh well. At least I’m not pregnant.

Being pregnant would suck. Nine months from now a fetus would come crawling out of my vagina. Ouchies. Oh man, I was in the butt-loving drive-thru last night at work and some ho came through. She ordered some crap but her damn kids were being loud-mouthed brats. So I told her I couldn’t hear her in such a tone that she turned around and shut her kids up. I was so proud. Little shits. I should have spit on them when they came by.

I’m getting more and more tired and thus I’m getting my second wave of energy.

I’m done.

Miserably yours,
-Derek

I wrote myself another note today. Yay!

noreply@blogger.com (The Master of All) — Wed, 08 Feb 2006 01:48:00 +0000

Hello again Derek,

I'm glad I don't have arthritis or writing these stupid, pointless notes to myself would suck. I'm such a lazy-ass and work is going to suck tonight. I still feel shitty. Just like shit probably feels shitty. I'm having a hard time paying attention, even though I want to because I know I have to. Who cares? NO ONE just like always.

I can't wait until college. I'm going to be on Girls Gone Wild showing off my ta-ta's and yelling "wooooo!" while I'm on spring break in some remote Latin American party place. I'll be going on blind dates on MTV in hopes of finding a one night stand. Or one that lasts 'til spring break is over. Then I'll return home to a life of solitude because there's no one for me because I'm no one's kind. Then when I get out of college I'll live on the side of a mountain in a log cabin with a dog or two. Then I'll wake up every morning to see my failure and I'll grow a big-ass beard, just out of spite. Then I'll hide out in the woods until boy/girl scouts come to spend the night "roughing it" in their bastardly little tents. Once they're all asleep I'll use my ugliness and scare them all away so that I can eat their marshmallows and cookies all for myself. Unless the cookies have coconut in them, in which case I'll promptly vomit and shout obscenities. Then eventually I'll die and there will be no one left to feed my dogs so they'll eat me and get sick from it. Then they'll die too and I'll cry in the afterlife. Wow, my future sounds pretty shitty. Good thing there are no such things as psychics huh? ROFLMAO!!!!

I hate when people claim to have knowledge of the future. Which brings me to astrology: fuck it. Making predictions is one thing; using your bullshit mystical propaganda to give people false ideas about their destiny is another. That's what horoscopes and tarot cards and the like do. There is no future until you get there and the present is past.

Unicorns are fake too. But that's okay 'cuz only kids believe in unicorns and they don't count.

"One for the thumb!" is the slogan I keep hearing about the Steelers' fifth Super Bowl win. For those of you who are not sure, the slogan means that the Steelers now have a fifth Super Bowl ring and, thus, have one to put on their thumb. I think the slogan should apply differently. It should stand for the one Super Bowl ring to go on the thumbs of the referees- since they had their heads up their asses the entire game. Oh well, I'm still black.

I hate writing myself notes. It hurts my hand after a while, so I'm done.

Still sadly yours,
-Derek

A letter to myself.

noreply@blogger.com (The Master of All) — Tue, 07 Feb 2006 00:58:00 +0000

Dear Derek,

Yo, what's ^ brotha? N2M here. Did u watch the Super Bowl? I did n I'm perty pissed. The Super Bowl was Super Bullshit. You know who should have gotten Super Bowl XL's MVP award? The referees! I've never seen such piss-poor officiating in all my life. Fuck the Steelers and all who love them. OMG...

But other than that, how wuz ur weekend? Mine sucked LOL!!! I hate working in the drive-thru @ work cuz of all the ungrateful assholes that I have to put up with. If I'm going to be sick as a dog while taking their orders in a nice, friendly manner, they should at least have the decency to look at me while I'm giving them change and telling them to have a good day. They're lucky I'm not allwed to be as nice to them as they are to me. I'd be kicking some ass.

We played football in the crappy weather on Saturday. And, like, LOL I'm soooooo sore! What's worse yet iz dat we lost. I was soooooo sad --> :( Speaking of which, why am I writing you a note? And y am I saying dumb shit like "LOL" and "OMG" n stuff? This isn't the internet. Maybe it's just me b/c I like reading notes and I'm lonely and tired. Maybe not. Maybe it's cuz Scientology really is the correct religion and Xenu the space alien is planting all of this into my mind. Maybe I'm projecting a conversation with some voice in my head because I have an unexplained, deep-rooted fear of being hollow. Nah, LOL!!! That's sily. It's prolly becuz da chicken did come before da egg. I can't imagine life without opposable thumbs. Turning a doorknob would suck. LOL!!!
I have a song stuck in mah head rite now LOL!!! Itz called "Tearjerker" by Korn. Oh, and "Open Up" by Korn is stuck in mah head 2 HA-HA! I should be paying attention to calculus rite now instead uv writing mahself a note. I feel like shit.

I need to put gas in my car =( <------ LOL I love emoticons!

My mom wants me to apply for a scholarship that I don't want. It's for people who have, or have parents who have Multiple Sclerosis (MS). I don't want to obe rewarded for my mom having a crippling disease that is my fault. That's sooooooo not kool LOL!!!

This is one long-ass note, especially since I'm writing it to/for myself. Oh well, LOL!!! At least I'm not a vegetarian =) And I kind of wish I had a pet bird so that when I get pissed I can rattle its cage and watch it flap around crazily as it tries to peck me and squawk really loudly. OMG, that'd be sooooo ooooo oooooo kool LOL!!! LOL...I'm a bad person and that makes me a sad panda =(

This is where I sign off. Sometimes people write "love" before they sign their notes and letters, but let's face it: Derek, I don't love you.

Sadly yours,
-Derek

Make yourself useful to society.

noreply@blogger.com (The Master of All) — Mon, 23 Jan 2006 02:35:00 +0000

And give me something to write about.
Yes I'm taking requests from you people about a topic for another blog entry. If you have any ideas, leave a comment to this entry with them in it. If they don't suck, then good job, you've made a contribution that will last a lifetime.
If they do suck, so do you.

No wonder American education is going down the shitter (part two)

noreply@blogger.com (The Master of All) — Wed, 18 Jan 2006 03:22:00 +0000

Well, let's see. Yesterday I left off after example number two- second period, so I think I'll continue from there.

For example #3
Third period for me is English. Oh boy, oh boy. For the past couple months our teacher has been out due to the adoption of a child. Fine. Not my business. Today she got back (and don't get me wrong, she's one of the teachers I kind of enjoy) and proceeded to tell us stories of adoption, her time away, etc., etc. Eventually she got to the part where she told us that occassionally she'll quit grading papers part way through so that the person whose paper is being graded can pass. What the...? A perfect example of the all-too common attitude (heh, look there's "tit" again-- attitude haha) of "I don't give a damn" that teachers possess today. But since I like this teacher, I'll quit right there.

For example #4
Gym. Ahem, excuse me, physical education. No teacher better represents not giving a shit than our phys. ed. teacher. Countless times we've spent class sitting up against a wall with the option to participate. Not that it mattered if we did or not. Hell I might as well have just shoved a cactus up my ass for all the more it matters in that class. Aside from my last period of the day (which I'll get to later), this is the only class in which the teacher tries to prevent cheating on tests (yes, that's right, we have tests in gym). Not that anyone should have to cheat anyway- any asshole can get a passing grade on every single one of these fricking tests. After our tennis unit, questions like: What color is the tennis ball? or after the unit in which we RAN day after day: This unit was a ______ unit. (the answer is "running" by the way, for any of you Hillary Clintons out there with your heads too far up your ass to know). Regardless, I more often than not enjoy this class. It's not so bad when phys. ed. is nearly carefree since it's not a "major" class (like English, math, science, etc.). Who cares?

For example #5
Next up I have probability and statistics. There isn't much to say here because I don't feel like it.

For example #6
Study hall. Every damn day assholes run rampant for the sole purpose of pissing me off. It's uncanny how much they succeed in doing so. Morons. I hate them. Not everyone, but those who irritate me. Launch them into the center of the sun, I say. Or make them go to Africa and have a giant orgy that way they'll not only have sex with Africans, but they'll get AIDS in the process. Hot damn.

For examplel #7
Uh-oh, better be careful here. Touchy-touchy little subject. Writing about this got me kicked out of school for four days (which was unconstitutional by the way). So I'll do what I always do when I piss someone off: do it again. I've said it before and I'll say it again: this woman discriminates. Certain people (as always, I won't mention names) get away with so much shit in that class it makes me sick. "Selective disciplining," as I like to call it, is just like Naziism. That's right, just like the Nazis did back in the old days. I hate it. That kind of shit makes me, as a student, never ever want to give blood to the Red Cross again. God forbid I give any of these fools my blood.

I'm done. To hell with this, I'm tired.

Do me a favor: comment.
More comments = more updates.

Happy Martin Luther King Jr. day you KKK-loving nigger-bashers.
If the rest of my family was black like me, we'd kick your asses for being racist.
What does that have to do with anything I previously said? Hell if I know.

No wonder American education is going down the shitter (part one)

noreply@blogger.com (The Master of All) — Tue, 17 Jan 2006 02:31:00 +0000

As I sat in school today knowing that I had to make an update to this damn blog of mine, I pondered what I should write about. Then it hit me: the teachers who are planting the seeds of, and cultivating the "future of America." And the more I think about it (haha..."about it" kind of sounds like "about tit" haha...), the more I understand why the U.S. is getting dumber: teachers suck these days. Really, they just don't care anymore. And hell, if teachers don't give two shits about doing their damn job, what the hell does it matter to a kid if he/she gets an education? It doesn't, really.

For example...
First period today (government): our teacher left the room at least three or four times without so much as leaving a hint as to where the hell she was going that was so much more important than teaching us. Sure, one time she said "I'll be right back," but that's it. And sure, she had a video of a presidential debate on for us to watch, but with no teacher to bother with, who the hell cares? We might as well have just shoved our heads up our asses because there was nothing to learn from any of it, unfortunately. Then the teacher checked off our vocab homework, which I didn't know was due today. So I'm getting half credit because it's going to be late when I hand it in. Okay, now I know this sounds just CRAZY but last week we spent almost entirely in a computer lab, which is no big deal until we observe the fact that there is a big-ass divider in the middle of the room separating it into two halves. Half one: teacher and some students. Half two: students, including myself and another person who didn't get his vocabulary done because he too was unaware that it was due. As a teacher, wouldn't it be...oh, say, fair to the students on half two if you were to get up off your ass and go to the half two and make announcements about when homework is due, rather than just sit at one of the computers the entire time and try to talk through a divider? I for one, don't have any special superpowers (except being so tough that I eat nails and shit razor blades, with the occasional pissing of battery acid) that allow me to hear sounds through large objects without some kind of interference. So you know what, government? Piss off. But don't feel bad, it's not just you...

For example #2...
The very next class period, I walk in to my desk to see it all covered in pencil. Maybe it was drawn on or something. Whatever. So I go up to our (substitute) teacher and ask if I can go to the restroom to get a wet paper towel to clean the desk with. His response: "I don't care. Do what you want." Allow me to note that this is the same teacher that once made a comment "No shit," in the middle of that same class. Two people came into class late today, both of which had passes and hence, were excused from any kind of being-late-to-class punishment. That's just fine and dandy to me, because, frankly, where they are is none of my damn business. So they showed the teacher their passes. "Here, (teachers name here), I have my pass signed." To which he replies, "I don't care." This may be a rather small/light example, but that's how damn near every teacher is.

It's not at all surprising to me why kids in school are all such dickfaced assholes: teachers don't care. Who gives a flying shit what the peckerhead does as long as it doesn't affect me? Fuck you and your family! If it were your kid acting like a dipshit and he/she was ignored for it, how would you feel? Your kid would be turning into a fuck-up because of a lack of care and/or discipline. You're the same damn way. I could go on about this but I'm running out of time, so I'll be back with a part two, possibly tomorrow or something. Until then, who cares?

p.s.
Mifflin County School District won't be doing a thing about anything I post on here. It's all off-campus and thus out of their control. Disagree MCSD? Fine, try me and I'll let you have a little talk about the first amendment with my friends at the ACLU. Have a grand day.

Useless....

A day in the life of an emo kid.

noreply@blogger.com (The Master of All) — Fri, 23 Dec 2005 19:36:00 +0000

Emo bastards...they're just like hippies. Well, they're not like hippies, but they rate just as high on the suck-my-ass scale. Emo makes me sick. Typing the word "emo" makes me sick for that matter.

Yesterday when I was at home poking myself in the eyes with a Sharpie, I decided I'd see what it's like to be emo. Once I finally got all the eyeliner on, along with the shitty-local-band shirt that I made up and tight "girl pants," I walked outside. Then I realized it was cold so I went back inside to put on my black "hoodie" with various patches held on it by safety pins. After I got back outside, I saw a squirrel. Normally if I saw a squirrel outside I'd eat it, but seeing another hideous emo kid must have scared the little bastard off because it ran like hell when it saw me. That pissed me off so I went up in the woods and cut myself. Then I cried some and my eyeliner partially ran down my face, making me even more emo-ugly than before. Once I caught a glimpse of myself in my mirror that I carried with me (so that I could check every now and then to see if I still looked emo or not), and cut myself some more. Then I went back inside and got my portable cd player and some shitty music to listen to. After listening to some music filled with shitty metaphors and lyrics that make no sense, I got on the internet to talk to my friends about how tight my girl pants were. Like, OMIGOD it was so funny! I told my friend that I had a pink and black belt on along with my pants and he was like "LOL! woah man thats like, emo-overboard! LOL!" and then I was like, "STFU you fag! You just don't understand me...no one does :'( " then he was all "I'm sorry man...let's go listen to Fall Out Boy and act gay in public."

And that's just what we did. We went to K-Mart and hung out in what we like to call the "emo department"- the little kids' dressing rooms. It was so rad cuz I saw my emo cousin there. She was all telling me how depressed and hopeless she felt because she didn't have a boyfriend and her skateboard broke. I could totally feel her pain. So we went in the bathroom and cut ourselves. It was so rad 'cuz then we wrote stuff on the walls. My cousin told me she wrote lyrics to a My Chemical Romance song, and I was like OMIGOD that is so emo! After we got done at K-Mart, we parted ways and went home.

As soon as I walked in the door my mom was all, "What do you think you're doing? You're being way too emo today, mister. I think you need to go to your room." Then I was like, "Mom, you just don't know me! Why do you have to judge who I am? You were never around when I needed you to stitch together my broken, empty heart." Then she gave me some shit about how I'm only a teenager in high school and losing my pair of Etnies shoes isn't worth crying over. What a dumbass. Everyone knows that true love begins in high school. It's not like I'll have the rest of my life to meet new people to begin relationships with. *scoff* Man, people just don't understand us emo kids.

Later that evening I got hungry so I made myself an emo salad. So I called my best friend up and I was like," Hey dude, this salad is so RAD! You should totally come try some." Then he was all like "Oh totally man, I can totally relate to it's rad-ness. I'll skateboard right on over and try some of that emo salad right now." And that's what he did. And it was even better when he put some special, as he called it, "emo sauce dressing" on it. It tasted just like semen!

After he tossed and tasted my emo salad, he went home for the night and I got ready for bed.
I was tired as hell and my friends acted not very rad on MySpace and left me not-so-emo messages on my LiveJournal. But whatever...I just went to my bedroom and took some pills and cut myself. Then I took depressed-looking pictures of myself with my digital camera so that everyone on the internet could see them and see how hard my life is. Anyone with readily-available internet access and a digital camera obviously has a depression-laden life. Once I saw how depressed I was, I did what all emo kids do: slit my wrists and killed myself. Life was much happier without me.

Fuck emo.

Every girl's dream...

noreply@blogger.com (The Master of All) — Mon, 12 Dec 2005 21:07:00 +0000

Recently I had the misfortune of stumbling across another ass-faced list of female propaganda in the form of a bulletin on MySpace titled "Every girl's dream..."
I guess it's another shitty list of unrealistic things that bitches want out of their owners, ahem, significant others that is.

Nonetheless, here it is along with my replies.

1. Getting kissed in the pouring rain
How about you kiss my ass in the pouring rain? That sounds way more romantic..

2. Have that one hott kiss where your pressed against the wall
Why? What's so damn "hott" about kissing you while you're up against a wall? The only way you're getting anything against a wall is if I have you tied up to it.

3. Have a guy that thinks you're the world
What kind of dumbass thinks that his girlfriend is the world? His world must SUCK if that's the case. Screw laughter, suicide is the best medicine in this case.

4. Have a guy that holds on as long as possible when giving hugs
Not only do we have to hug your shallow ass but now we have to hold on forever? Psh...whatever bitch.

5. A guy that whispers he loves you in your ear
"Hey how you doin' little mama let me whisper in your ear. Tell you somethin' that you might like to hear. You got a sexy-ass body and your ass looks soft, mind if I touch it and see if it's soft?" Uhh....nevermind. [Wait (The Whisper Song)]

6. Have that moment where you just gaze into eachother's eyes
Yep I'm just going to piss away a few more precious seconds of my life just so that you think I'm gazing at your beauty. Bitches are so vain...

7. When you cry, he kisses your tears away.
The only way a kiss is going to get rid of tears is if the guy kisses the tear itself, hence drinking it off of your face, you sicko.

8. When you're not with your guy he's all that you can think about
What the hell?

9. Wearing his jacket and everytime you breath in, his scent surrounds you
Get out of my coat you whore. That smell isn't mine by the way....it's the dog's ass. And learn how to spell: "B-R-E-A-T-H-E"
Dumbass.

10. A guy who will watch any movie with you, no matter how teary eyed you may get.
I refuse to watch The Notebook and if you cry during some shitty movie, I'm kicking you out of my house.

11. A guy who squeezes your hand
If you touch me without permission I'll be squeezing your hand.

12. A guy that says he loves you and means it
So much for being honest...

13. A guy that will play her favorite song outside her window
I'm not about to sit outside just so you can hear your favorite song. Download it and leave me the hell alone.

14. A guy who is loyal
The door swings both ways on this one, bitch.

15. A guy that will sing to you no matter how bad he is at it.
Why would a girl want someone to sing to them if it isn't pleasant to listen to? Attention whore...

16. A guy that will kiss you on the forehead.
As long as you're not a Hindu with a dot and as long as you don't have horrible acne or something then...wait, hell no. Piss on your forehead.

17. A guy that will call you beautiful or adorable...not hot, fine, or sexy
Once again, I thought you wanted honesty?

18. A guy that will never judge you for how you look.
What the hell!? This conflicts with every friggin aspect of number 17. Do you want compliments on your appearance or not? Make up your damn mind.

19. A guy that says cheezy stuff to you just to make u smile
No.

20. A guy that is the same when he is with you and when with friends
Haha...you really want a twisted, sick-minded pervert with you all the time? Good, then I guess you won't mind my friends and I gawking at girls who are more attractive than you, will you?

21. A guy that tells you everything honestly
Okay, just don't bitch about the truth.

22. A guy that is good with your family and introduces you to his family
A guy that works over the parents until he gets what he wants out of you and them? Wow, we finally agree on one of these.

23. A guy that will always let you win
...so that when you lose, you feel like an arrogant jackass because you thought you'd win due to the fact that your dumbass boyfriend lets you win all the time just because he's a pussy and doesn't want to hear you bitch and whine about how much you suck at everything, but you didn't win and therefore couldn't back up all the trash-talking you did and now your boyfriend is embarassed by your pitiful failure so he breaks up with you and goes back to the blow-up doll. Right.

24. A guy who stands up for you no matter who he is against
A guy sticking up for his ho is fine, but if it's going to get his ass kicked or something then forget it. Most girls aren't worth the trouble.

25. A guy who calls you at night just to say 'hi' and see how your day has been
...only to hear you nag and complain about how skanky your friends are and all that other gossip. Forget it.

26. A guy who tells you that your smile makes everything better
How sweet.

27. A guy who will sit on the phone with you when you're sad, even if you're quiet
Listen guys, this one really isn't so bad. If she's actually quiet for once, stay on the phone as long as you can and enjoy the silence. It won't happen often. If the phone starts getting annoying just set it down and turn the volume up so you know when to pick it up when she starts rambling again. Wow, I rule.

28. A guy who you can hangout and have fun with
Fun is a two-way thing by the way, so don't act stupid to amuse yourself if it pisses your guy off. He reserves the right to put you back in the trunk of the car where you came from.

29. A guy that will just randonmly call you for no reason at all, just because he missed you
"A guy that will just randomly call you just because he's drunk at his best friends' bachelor party and is in the middle of a lap dance....and he missed you."

30. A guy who will hold your hand through the roughest parts of life.
Pull my hair.

31. A guy who would love you forever no matter the circumstance.
I hate school busses. They're big and yellow just like the sun and the sun hurts my eyes when I stare at it. Grr....

32. A guy who wouldn't mind you wanting to get all dressed up and do your make up for him. Even if he says he likes you better without make up.
We don't have all day ladies...

33. A guy who you can be yourself with and he will never give a care and would still tell you that you are amazing to him.
Translation: A guy who will ignore you during the football game and act appreciative when you cook him delicious food.

34. A guy who runs his fingers through your hair, like he's washing your worries/troubles away.
What the hell? That's got to be the most shitty simile ever. "Like he's washing your worries/troubles away."??? Fingers don't resemble water, or any other liquid that washes for that matter, in the least. And fingers in the hair sure as hell won't make anything better. Just because we keep you on a leash doesn't mean you're a dog either. Enough of the hair.

35. A guy who tells you, you make his day better, just for being you
Until you piss him off and ruin his day so that he takes revenge by kicking you off of your bicycle as the two of you ride down a steep hill on a street together, hence leaving you to roll across the pavement until you get to the bottom, all scratched and cut up. HAHAHA!

36. a guy who leaves u pretty messages to wake up to in the morning.
For example: Make me some breakfast pretty damn quick, I'm running late for work.

"If your a Girl and you want this or think its sweet post this with the title "Every Girls Dream---boys read this"
If your a Guy and you would do this or think its sweet post this with "I'm Every Girls Dream"

Repost this in 1 minute and something amazing will happen to you" so reads the end of the bulletin. Hopefully the people on MySpace realize that these stupid "repost it and..." letters never mean anything, though I doubt they realize it because I see at least twelve of these damn things every day.

Every girl's dream....
-Fuck your dreams bitch, get in the kitchen where you belong.

The moment you've all been waiting for.

noreply@blogger.com (The Master of All) — Sat, 10 Dec 2005 17:36:00 +0000

I can only imagine the sense of relief you'll be getting here in the upcoming weeks. I've been in the process of building an actual website for about two months now and I've decided to scrap it and just get back to a blog. Using dial-up to create a website pisses me off so to hell with it. But anyways, check back hella-soon because I've got some ass-kickery on the way.

Welcome to Pure Genius II.