R.I.P. Anna Nicole Smith

We are gathered here today,
To say goodbye.
We'll miss you every day,
Now that you've up and died.

Now I'm not going to pretend,
I'm not happy to see you go.
For you this is the end,
Well...later ho.


Yeah, that's my goodbye poem for Vickie Lynn Marshall, aka Anna Nicole Smith. I'm going to be completely honest: when I first found out Anna Nicole croaked, I was shocked. Then once the initial surprise wore off (not that I was saddened by the news, mind you), I realized something: good riddance. Come on everybody, let's hear it for Anna Nicole Smith: hip, hip, hooray!

You're such a heartless asshole! She just died and you're happy about it? How insensitive can you be?
Not insensitive enough. Oooh...another porn star/Playboy model down the drain. Big deal. That bitch was about as irreplaceable as her breasts, and equally as fake. Oh and a big HA HA to anyone who enjoyed those fun bags: they're probably melting away with the rest of Anna Nicole in the bowels of Hell right now. What a shame.

Why have I no sympathy for Vickie Lynn (which I think is a way better name than Anna Nicole)? Simple. She exemplified everything I hate about women: she was fake, shallow, vain, whorish, and worst of all, she gave the institution of marriage a big slap in the face when she married J. Howard Marshall (a man made rich from the oil industry; he was 89 years old at the time they were married). How is that a slap in the face of marriage? Marriage is supposed to be a showing of love and dedication of two individuals (I'm not specifying gender either so go eat nuts if you don't like it) who want to spend the rest of their lives together in holy matrimony. Contrary to what anyone tells you, Anna Nicole married him for his money.
But she may have actually loved him!
Right. Two problems with that theory:
1.) She was 26, he was 89- that's a 63 year difference for those of you who can't do math. In perspective, that's a man approaching the age of retirement, marrying a newborn. Tell me what the hell a 26 year old could see in an 89 year old? Wrinkles and a worn out penis maybe, but more importantly, a bottomless wallet.
2.) Women don't love.

Anna Nicole Smith married an 89 year old billionaire for his money and his money only: for that alone the bitch deserved to die and I'm thankful she did.

On another note I do really feel sorry for her 5-month old daughter. Poor kid is going to be stuck living her life in the shadow of, and in the absence of her mother. I have no clue who the child's father is, but hopefully it's someone who can pick up the slack and be a parent to the little girl. Then again, in order to get her pregnant, he must have taken it upon himself to stick himself into that hollowed-out cave-gina of hers. Oh well. There's always adoption.

What the hell is a TomKat?

Tom "Cruise" (real name: Thomas Cruise Mapother IV) and Katie Holmes (real name: Kate Noelle) got married recently, on November 18. Woopee! Who really cares that these two got married? Oooh you two got married in a Scientology ceremony in a castle in Italy? I admit, that would be impressive, but you lost my interest at "Scientology."

Scientology, what a joke. A religion you have to pay to be a part of that believes aliens have created all of our reality by forcing our "thetans" (think, spirits) to watch movies of propaganda to control us. Enter L. Ron Hubbard, a science fiction writer. Thank God (who, according to Scientology, does not exist) L. Ron Hubbard was born to figure all of this out! Here's how it goes: an evil galactic space ruler named Xenu got pissed because he was about to be removed from power and decided to rid his territory of its excess population. Xenu told a bunch of people that they were being summoned for "income tax inspections" and when they arrived he injected them with some shit that paralyzed them. After stacking the bodies around the base of some volcanoes, Xenu dropped hydrogen bombs into the volcanoes and blew all the people's bodies up (a few survived though, which is where the clusters of spirits went to occupy after they were forced to watch the 36-day 3-D space movie I mentioned earlier). Thankfully, the Loyal Officers (the good guys) finally got off their asses and captured Xenu; then they locked Xenu away in a mountain where he is kept locked up by a force field powered by an eternal battery.
Seriously. People believe this shit. This is why celebrities are to be ignored when they talk about politics, or anything else for that matter- they're retarded.

So Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are the ones who have it all figured out apparently. As for me, I'm going to release Xenu someday just to piss them off.

Check out this picture:


Anyone else see a problem here with this picture? I do.
The problem? In this picture Tommy-boy appears taller than his dumbass wife.
Tiny Tom is 5' 7"
Tom's wife is 5'9" (according to Wikipedia; 5'8" according to a Google search)
My question is this: is CruiseShip wearing platform shoes or something? Why is his ass taller than hers in this stupid picture? Damn. First these two can't even be honest about their names, now they're deceiving us all about who is taller. I say we just chop their legs off at the knee and make them even. If that won't work, behead them.

Oh no, wait. We can't kill them off because then little baby Suri would be left all alone in this alien-dictated world. What a name. Who the hell names their kid Suri? A couple assholes, that's who. Well I don't know where else I'm going with this. I guess the point is that a) Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes can kiss my ass, b) Scientology is stupid, c) Tom Cruise is shorter than his wife, contrary to the picture they want you to see, d) celebrities always name their kids something dumb, and e) being a celebrity doesn't make you shit- you and your overhyped, unimportant wedding can go to hell. Or Massachusetts- since that's the only place gay marriage is allowed (presently) and we all know Tom Cruise is gay (hey, Katie Holmes could be a man). Maybe that's why he got married in Italy! Wait...if gay marriage is what he based his decision of location for his wedding on, shouldn't he have gone to France then? Bah...

Bullshit.