The solution to all of your problems.

I figured it out today. What did I figure out you ask? EVERYTHING.
Every question you've ever needed the answer to, I have the answer for.

So allow me to introduce to you the PERFECT solution for all of your problems: suicide.
So you're not sure how suicide is the answer to all of life's questions, eh? Well allow me to give you a few examples.

Pregnant? Hell, nothing says suicide like pregnancy. Come on, be honest with yourself here: you're not ready to have children. In fact, you'll probably one of the shittiest parents in the world. Plus if you have a kid and it pisses me off, I'll be coming to your house to stomp your ass, and that'd be even WORSE than suicide. No one wants me to deliver an ass beating after their stupid-shit kid gets on my nerves. NO ONE.

This one is to help all of my fellow seniors out there: can't get accepted to college? Eh, to hell with all of it. If you can't get accepted at some college or other post-secondary school, you're probably just destined for failure and no one wants a life like that. So just end it and save your parents a lot of money. If you kill yourself now, they'll have plenty of money for your funeral! You've always wanted a fancy funeral didn't you? Of course you did. You're an asshole. You ought to just kill yourself for wanting an expensive funeral anyway. Jeez...quit being such a spoiled little brat. Once you're dead you won't give a damn about your funeral anyway. The best way to do it in this case is to drown yourself in the ocean that way there will be no physical part of you left for anyone to bury. At least you'll have done something right.

If you're an asshole that writes hit lists and drops them around at school to create semi-disorder: death is the only option for you. No, really. What the hell are you trying to prove anyway? If you're going to go nuts and attack our school, man up and do it you pussy. Don't tease me by pretending. Which brings me to another point: why am I not on the hit list(s)? I make it a point to be a dickhead to as many people as I possibly can yet I don't make it onto some piss-ant's hit list? Must be a moron writing the list. In all honesty, if you're going to shoot up the school, why reveal it to everyone and draw all of this attention to the idea? Do you want caught that badly? You're making me ask too many questions and thus you should do the right thing and answer them all for me. With a single gunshot. Directed at yourself. With suicide- the solution to all of your problems.

Know what? To hell with it all. EVERYONE should commit suicide and solve EVERY problem in the world. With no one left, there will be no one to start shit. And with no one left, I'll be able to roam the earth as I please and do what I want without people pissing me off- which should be a crime punishable by execution...legally I mean. Just because executing those who piss me off isn't legal doesn't mean I'm not allowed to do it.

Remember- I write the rules, I break the rules.




***just so you know, I'm not planning on EVER killing ANYONE...so don't kick me out of school for fuck's sake.

Note to self number three.

Hi once again,

Macbeth and Shakespeare suck so I’m going to write myself another note. English sucks. So does everything else for that matter. You know why? Who cares why? It just does and that’s all that matters. Nothing matters. Nothing I do today will have any kind of impact on any aspect of the rest of my life- which hopefully won’t take too long because I’m filled with negative feelings and thoughts and, more importantly, I’m getting bored with it all. Oh well. At least I’m not from the Middle East. JIHAD!!!!
If I actually were from the Middle East though, I’d be a crunk-ass gangsta/terrorist and they’d call me “Profit the Prophet.”

I wish I was a turtle ‘cuz then I’d have a shell and I could hide in it and tell people to piss off and get off my shit. Or when it’s snowy outside I’ll hop into my shell and go sled riding. But then I’d probably get hit by a car and my shell would break. Cars are heavy and move fast. I hate cars. It’d probably be a woman that ran me over because women can never drive without killing something. Then I’d use my super powers to change into a nail and flatten that bitches tire. I would laugh so hard. In fact, if I were human and not a robot I’d probably cry tears of laughter because it’d be hella-funny.

The Chizz is right- I am a cerebral assassin. I’m able to get into peoples’ heads even when I’m not trying to. It’s a shame really. Sometimes I feel bad about being able to control people if I want to. It’s good to be able to see through people’s bullshit though. That’ll come in handy some day when some deceitful ho tries to use me for something. Dumb bitch. No wonder I’ll always be single- there aren’t any girls who can get past my bullshit-radar. Oh well. At least I’m not pregnant.

Being pregnant would suck. Nine months from now a fetus would come crawling out of my vagina. Ouchies. Oh man, I was in the butt-loving drive-thru last night at work and some ho came through. She ordered some crap but her damn kids were being loud-mouthed brats. So I told her I couldn’t hear her in such a tone that she turned around and shut her kids up. I was so proud. Little shits. I should have spit on them when they came by.

I’m getting more and more tired and thus I’m getting my second wave of energy.

I’m done.

Miserably yours,
-Derek

I wrote myself another note today. Yay!

Hello again Derek,

I'm glad I don't have arthritis or writing these stupid, pointless notes to myself would suck. I'm such a lazy-ass and work is going to suck tonight. I still feel shitty. Just like shit probably feels shitty. I'm having a hard time paying attention, even though I want to because I know I have to. Who cares? NO ONE just like always.

I can't wait until college. I'm going to be on Girls Gone Wild showing off my ta-ta's and yelling "wooooo!" while I'm on spring break in some remote Latin American party place. I'll be going on blind dates on MTV in hopes of finding a one night stand. Or one that lasts 'til spring break is over. Then I'll return home to a life of solitude because there's no one for me because I'm no one's kind. Then when I get out of college I'll live on the side of a mountain in a log cabin with a dog or two. Then I'll wake up every morning to see my failure and I'll grow a big-ass beard, just out of spite. Then I'll hide out in the woods until boy/girl scouts come to spend the night "roughing it" in their bastardly little tents. Once they're all asleep I'll use my ugliness and scare them all away so that I can eat their marshmallows and cookies all for myself. Unless the cookies have coconut in them, in which case I'll promptly vomit and shout obscenities. Then eventually I'll die and there will be no one left to feed my dogs so they'll eat me and get sick from it. Then they'll die too and I'll cry in the afterlife. Wow, my future sounds pretty shitty. Good thing there are no such things as psychics huh? ROFLMAO!!!!

I hate when people claim to have knowledge of the future. Which brings me to astrology: fuck it. Making predictions is one thing; using your bullshit mystical propaganda to give people false ideas about their destiny is another. That's what horoscopes and tarot cards and the like do. There is no future until you get there and the present is past.

Unicorns are fake too. But that's okay 'cuz only kids believe in unicorns and they don't count.

"One for the thumb!" is the slogan I keep hearing about the Steelers' fifth Super Bowl win. For those of you who are not sure, the slogan means that the Steelers now have a fifth Super Bowl ring and, thus, have one to put on their thumb. I think the slogan should apply differently. It should stand for the one Super Bowl ring to go on the thumbs of the referees- since they had their heads up their asses the entire game. Oh well, I'm still black.

I hate writing myself notes. It hurts my hand after a while, so I'm done.

Still sadly yours,
-Derek

A letter to myself.

Dear Derek,

Yo, what's ^ brotha? N2M here. Did u watch the Super Bowl? I did n I'm perty pissed. The Super Bowl was Super Bullshit. You know who should have gotten Super Bowl XL's MVP award? The referees! I've never seen such piss-poor officiating in all my life. Fuck the Steelers and all who love them. OMG...

But other than that, how wuz ur weekend? Mine sucked LOL!!! I hate working in the drive-thru @ work cuz of all the ungrateful assholes that I have to put up with. If I'm going to be sick as a dog while taking their orders in a nice, friendly manner, they should at least have the decency to look at me while I'm giving them change and telling them to have a good day. They're lucky I'm not allwed to be as nice to them as they are to me. I'd be kicking some ass.

We played football in the crappy weather on Saturday. And, like, LOL I'm soooooo sore! What's worse yet iz dat we lost. I was soooooo sad --> :( Speaking of which, why am I writing you a note? And y am I saying dumb shit like "LOL" and "OMG" n stuff? This isn't the internet. Maybe it's just me b/c I like reading notes and I'm lonely and tired. Maybe not. Maybe it's cuz Scientology really is the correct religion and Xenu the space alien is planting all of this into my mind. Maybe I'm projecting a conversation with some voice in my head because I have an unexplained, deep-rooted fear of being hollow. Nah, LOL!!! That's sily. It's prolly becuz da chicken did come before da egg. I can't imagine life without opposable thumbs. Turning a doorknob would suck. LOL!!!
I have a song stuck in mah head rite now LOL!!! Itz called "Tearjerker" by Korn. Oh, and "Open Up" by Korn is stuck in mah head 2 HA-HA! I should be paying attention to calculus rite now instead uv writing mahself a note. I feel like shit.

I need to put gas in my car =( <------ LOL I love emoticons!

My mom wants me to apply for a scholarship that I don't want. It's for people who have, or have parents who have Multiple Sclerosis (MS). I don't want to obe rewarded for my mom having a crippling disease that is my fault. That's sooooooo not kool LOL!!!

This is one long-ass note, especially since I'm writing it to/for myself. Oh well, LOL!!! At least I'm not a vegetarian =) And I kind of wish I had a pet bird so that when I get pissed I can rattle its cage and watch it flap around crazily as it tries to peck me and squawk really loudly. OMG, that'd be sooooo ooooo oooooo kool LOL!!! LOL...I'm a bad person and that makes me a sad panda =(

This is where I sign off. Sometimes people write "love" before they sign their notes and letters, but let's face it: Derek, I don't love you.

Sadly yours,
-Derek

Make yourself useful to society.

And give me something to write about.
Yes I'm taking requests from you people about a topic for another blog entry. If you have any ideas, leave a comment to this entry with them in it. If they don't suck, then good job, you've made a contribution that will last a lifetime.
If they do suck, so do you.

The moment you've all been waiting for.

I can only imagine the sense of relief you'll be getting here in the upcoming weeks. I've been in the process of building an actual website for about two months now and I've decided to scrap it and just get back to a blog. Using dial-up to create a website pisses me off so to hell with it. But anyways, check back hella-soon because I've got some ass-kickery on the way.

Welcome to Pure Genius II.