Thursday, December 14, 2006

TV sucks.

Man...I remember the days when I used to watch TV regularly. Shows like Beavis & Butt-Head, Pinky & the Brain, Johnny Bravo, Doug, Hey Arnold!, Rocko's Modern Life, Ren & Stimpy...oh yeah, those were the days (yes, I like cartoons). Days when I could sit on my ass, eat chips, drink Pepsi, and not have to worry about getting annoyed by commercials about erectile dysfunction. It's not so anymore I'm afraid. Now television is littered with what can only be described as shit. Fresh, steaming, shit with peanut-chunks in it.
Television shows that I loathe:

  • Everybody Loves Raymond- Yeah, this show pisses me off. I really don't see much humor in it at all. Stupid jokes every 5 seconds followed by canned laughter and applause. Reminds me of Friends, which I also hate. Ray Ramano looks like my 9th grade civics teacher, sort of, and that just sucks. More importantly, this show tends to remind me of another I hate: Seinfeld. Why, you ask? Well, just like the tall, dumb jackass on Seinfeld (I believe his name is Kramer- you know, the racist), Everybody Loves Raymond has it's own residential douche-lick with a deep voice reminiscent of one with a mental handicap (no, Kramer doesn't have a deep voice; he still reminds me of one with a mental handicap though). Just like the one on Seinfeld and just as not-funny as the one on Seinfeld. I think any show with an arrogant-ass title like Everybody Loves Raymond should be remotely entertaining. Personally I'd rather shave my ass with a sponge than watch this garbage.

  • Seinfeld- Another one of those shows that everyone seems to love even though it's about as fun to watch as shoving a nail into your genitals. And that's being nice. Jerry Seinfeld himself has an annoying voice which is incredibly whiny and nasal sounding. I should punch that guy in the face, break his nose, then have him get rhinoplasty to remedy this little problem. What a horrible "stand-up comic" he is too. Damn...I hate when people sit around at school and talk about this show. How little meaning your life must have to talk about your favorite ooh-ha-ha moments on Seinfeld for fun.

  • Friends- I don't like this show. It's that simple.

  • Family Guy- Oh yeah, I'm gonna get a bunch of shit thrown my way for this one. Oh well, you bastards don't matter. Family Guy is a decent show to be honest. It's the fans of the show that piss me off the most. All I ever hear after someone says something anymore is "yeah, like that episode of Family Guy when..." followed by any possible shit-wanged idea you could possibly think of. Shut the hell up. It's not that damn good people. The most sickening thing about it all? When I hear people talking about Family Guy and they're like "that was so funny dude! Where do they come up with this stuff!?" Are you fucking retarded, buddy? If anyone honestly thinks any of the humor on this show is "smart" or "thought out," then I personally think that he/she just might enjoy a rimjob from an alligator. Damn stupid Family Guy t-shirts all over the place and they're all the same. The vast majority of them involve showing how hilariously evil Stewie is, or showing just how Goddamn funny Peter Griffin is by saying "Freakin' Sweet!" Enough already.

  • Just about any of those dating shows on MTV- what the hell is this anyway? Dating shows on MTV? I thought MTV was supposed to mean "Music Television" not "Moronic dating shows that are as entertaining as watching my own ass wrinkle as I age Television." Date My Mom is stupid, to say the least. Some guy/girl dates takes three different mothers on dates to try to determine whose son/daughter to go out with. That's a shitty idea. I mean, if that were me on there and I had to go on a date with my girlfriend's mom, I'd probably go home afterwards and staple my own face to a lightning rod during a thunderstorm. My girlfriend is nothing like her mother (thank God), and that's exactly what I want. So screw you and your shitty ideas for dating shows MTV. Speaking of parents that make me want to puke, let's not forget MTV's show Parental Control. In this amazing show, parents set their son/daughter up on two different dates to try to sway them to break up with their current significant other. At the end of the two dates, the son/daughter eliminates one of the three options (Mom's date, Dad's date, and the original significant other). One of the parents choices is always eliminated first, so that it comes down to parent's choice versus child's choice. Oooh....such heavy dramatic tension! The only good thing about this show is that while they are all watching the dates on television as they happen, the parents and the boyfriend/girlfriend sit there and take turns making fun of each other. If only I had such an opportunity. Ha ha...just kidding. The last of the MTV dating shows is a wonderful one indeed. In fact, the title of the show describes my response if someone were to ask me how I felt about watching it:



    You know what? Screw TV. I'll go back to playing with Tonka trucks or something.