Saturday, November 25, 2006

What the hell is a TomKat?

Tom "Cruise" (real name: Thomas Cruise Mapother IV) and Katie Holmes (real name: Kate Noelle) got married recently, on November 18. Woopee! Who really cares that these two got married? Oooh you two got married in a Scientology ceremony in a castle in Italy? I admit, that would be impressive, but you lost my interest at "Scientology."

Scientology, what a joke. A religion you have to pay to be a part of that believes aliens have created all of our reality by forcing our "thetans" (think, spirits) to watch movies of propaganda to control us. Enter L. Ron Hubbard, a science fiction writer. Thank God (who, according to Scientology, does not exist) L. Ron Hubbard was born to figure all of this out! Here's how it goes: an evil galactic space ruler named Xenu got pissed because he was about to be removed from power and decided to rid his territory of its excess population. Xenu told a bunch of people that they were being summoned for "income tax inspections" and when they arrived he injected them with some shit that paralyzed them. After stacking the bodies around the base of some volcanoes, Xenu dropped hydrogen bombs into the volcanoes and blew all the people's bodies up (a few survived though, which is where the clusters of spirits went to occupy after they were forced to watch the 36-day 3-D space movie I mentioned earlier). Thankfully, the Loyal Officers (the good guys) finally got off their asses and captured Xenu; then they locked Xenu away in a mountain where he is kept locked up by a force field powered by an eternal battery.
Seriously. People believe this shit. This is why celebrities are to be ignored when they talk about politics, or anything else for that matter- they're retarded.

So Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are the ones who have it all figured out apparently. As for me, I'm going to release Xenu someday just to piss them off.

Check out this picture:


Anyone else see a problem here with this picture? I do.
The problem? In this picture Tommy-boy appears taller than his dumbass wife.
Tiny Tom is 5' 7"
Tom's wife is 5'9" (according to Wikipedia; 5'8" according to a Google search)
My question is this: is CruiseShip wearing platform shoes or something? Why is his ass taller than hers in this stupid picture? Damn. First these two can't even be honest about their names, now they're deceiving us all about who is taller. I say we just chop their legs off at the knee and make them even. If that won't work, behead them.

Oh no, wait. We can't kill them off because then little baby Suri would be left all alone in this alien-dictated world. What a name. Who the hell names their kid Suri? A couple assholes, that's who. Well I don't know where else I'm going with this. I guess the point is that a) Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes can kiss my ass, b) Scientology is stupid, c) Tom Cruise is shorter than his wife, contrary to the picture they want you to see, d) celebrities always name their kids something dumb, and e) being a celebrity doesn't make you shit- you and your overhyped, unimportant wedding can go to hell. Or Massachusetts- since that's the only place gay marriage is allowed (presently) and we all know Tom Cruise is gay (hey, Katie Holmes could be a man). Maybe that's why he got married in Italy! Wait...if gay marriage is what he based his decision of location for his wedding on, shouldn't he have gone to France then? Bah...

Bullshit.

Friday, November 03, 2006

New Jersey: The Shit State

You know what's worse than New York, California, Florida, Mexico, and France combined? Nothing. But New Jersey is damn close. Really though, New Jersey is America's landfill- just look at the trash that lives there. The best thing to come out of New Jersey (other than my girlfriend, indirectly) is Bon Jovi. It's pretty shitty when the best thing to come out of a state is a hair metal band.

New Jersey sucks, we should just wipe it off the map. That place is a shit stain on the face of the U.S.

It's no wonder the air is so filthy in NJ, look what kind of shit lives there. Hell...Camden, New Jersey was named "America's Most Dangerous City" in 2004 and 2005. That just goes to show the quality of life in the Asshole of America, aka New Jersey. Thankfully everyone there is dying or something because it was only ranked at #3 on the dangerous cities list in 2006.

The Bloodhound Gang wrote a song about New Jersey on their album "Hooray for Boobies" that showcases New Jersey in all its greatness. The song is titled "The 10 Best Things About New Jersey" and consists of ten seconds of silence. Couldn't have said it better myself.

I saw a great idea in one of my friends' AIM profile. It said "put this [message] in your profile if you think we should just blow up New Jersey and give Pennsylvania a beach." Hot damn! Sounds good to me. Although the beach would be among the worst in the world since it would be made out of the remains of New Jersey. Maybe we can put criminals there. Wait, wait, nevermind. All the criminals are already out there. You see? There's no making this place any better.

I hate New Jersey. I could go on and rant some more about it, but I think I'd rather use a razor-edged staple remover to pluck my eyes out than think about this place any more than I already have.
All this thinking about it, I got dumber in the process of writing this. Appreciate it you bastards.