Saturday, November 25, 2006

What the hell is a TomKat?

Tom "Cruise" (real name: Thomas Cruise Mapother IV) and Katie Holmes (real name: Kate Noelle) got married recently, on November 18. Woopee! Who really cares that these two got married? Oooh you two got married in a Scientology ceremony in a castle in Italy? I admit, that would be impressive, but you lost my interest at "Scientology."

Scientology, what a joke. A religion you have to pay to be a part of that believes aliens have created all of our reality by forcing our "thetans" (think, spirits) to watch movies of propaganda to control us. Enter L. Ron Hubbard, a science fiction writer. Thank God (who, according to Scientology, does not exist) L. Ron Hubbard was born to figure all of this out! Here's how it goes: an evil galactic space ruler named Xenu got pissed because he was about to be removed from power and decided to rid his territory of its excess population. Xenu told a bunch of people that they were being summoned for "income tax inspections" and when they arrived he injected them with some shit that paralyzed them. After stacking the bodies around the base of some volcanoes, Xenu dropped hydrogen bombs into the volcanoes and blew all the people's bodies up (a few survived though, which is where the clusters of spirits went to occupy after they were forced to watch the 36-day 3-D space movie I mentioned earlier). Thankfully, the Loyal Officers (the good guys) finally got off their asses and captured Xenu; then they locked Xenu away in a mountain where he is kept locked up by a force field powered by an eternal battery.
Seriously. People believe this shit. This is why celebrities are to be ignored when they talk about politics, or anything else for that matter- they're retarded.

So Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are the ones who have it all figured out apparently. As for me, I'm going to release Xenu someday just to piss them off.

Check out this picture:


Anyone else see a problem here with this picture? I do.
The problem? In this picture Tommy-boy appears taller than his dumbass wife.
Tiny Tom is 5' 7"
Tom's wife is 5'9" (according to Wikipedia; 5'8" according to a Google search)
My question is this: is CruiseShip wearing platform shoes or something? Why is his ass taller than hers in this stupid picture? Damn. First these two can't even be honest about their names, now they're deceiving us all about who is taller. I say we just chop their legs off at the knee and make them even. If that won't work, behead them.

Oh no, wait. We can't kill them off because then little baby Suri would be left all alone in this alien-dictated world. What a name. Who the hell names their kid Suri? A couple assholes, that's who. Well I don't know where else I'm going with this. I guess the point is that a) Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes can kiss my ass, b) Scientology is stupid, c) Tom Cruise is shorter than his wife, contrary to the picture they want you to see, d) celebrities always name their kids something dumb, and e) being a celebrity doesn't make you shit- you and your overhyped, unimportant wedding can go to hell. Or Massachusetts- since that's the only place gay marriage is allowed (presently) and we all know Tom Cruise is gay (hey, Katie Holmes could be a man). Maybe that's why he got married in Italy! Wait...if gay marriage is what he based his decision of location for his wedding on, shouldn't he have gone to France then? Bah...

Bullshit.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

You must have a sad pathetic life to seriously look into the height of people in their wedding picture. God (who I believe does exist and am a Scientologist)Damn you are so critical of everything, you must be a real downer to be around. I bet your friends don't like you very much.
This is not just in reference to you TomKat post either. The whole page just makes you look really bad. Just thought I'd let you know.

Anonymous said...

You have voiced the concerns of many in a very excellent manner. All this media hype being shoved down our throats is just as huge a BS as were the reasons to go to war. That is a different story for an other day. Keep up the good work. BRAVO!!!