Friday, August 31, 2007

Abolish Art

You know what one of the most awful things in the world is? Getting your ass kicked. Thankfully, I never have (and never will have) this problem.

You know what else sucks? Art. Yes, art. And when I say art, I’m talking about paintings and drawings and shit like that. Not music and movies. Music rules.

It’s all completely worthless. I mean, come on now. Art? Who really gives a shit? What good is it? It’s not. Art is completely useless.

But painting pictures is a way for an artist to express him/herself!
So? What the hell does it matter what some “artist” has to express? It doesn’t really. Especially if the person who did the painting describes his or her occupation simply as “artist.” That’s all you do? What a waste! Unless you’re doing something with your pictures, like making a cartoon about clowns who scare the shit out of kids at circuses, then your drawing is completely pointless.

I’m in college right now and I made the mistake of taking an art history class (my degree requires it, so I didn’t have much choice). So, I was thinking maybe this class would help me understand and appreciate art. And you know what? For the first time in my life, I was wrong. I have come to realize there is really nothing to appreciate about art. It’s all a bunch of inane bullshit. I hate every second of it. Sure, some of it looks good, but even when it looks nice it’s still pointless.

Now don’t get me wrong. I have no problem with people who like to draw and paint pictures in their spare time. That’s fine. It’s the people who “make art for a living” that piss me off. Worse yet are people who aspire to “be artists.” What the hell does that mean? You’re going to spend the rest of your life painting meaningless garbage and hoping to auction it off to some pompous, rich asshole who has nothing better to spend their money on. That’s what it fucking means.

I have an idea for a painting. It’s a painting in which you’re sitting there in your cold and empty one-person apartment overlooking the streets below with a bunch of pictures all over the place that you made and no one wants. Call it a self-portrait.

Fuck paintings. Fuck art. Fuck art history.

Speaking of shitty art, how about theater? There’s another degree that’s bound to lead you nowhere. Who gives two drops of bird shit about theater and plays?

This is for all of you theater majors: you’ll never be a movie star, you’ll never get on Broadway, and you’ll never be an accomplished playwright.

Unless you plan on teaching theater or something (in which case you’re an asshole), just change your plans right now because your degree in theater will get you nowhere.

Don’t act in plays and don’t go on stage unless you’re in a badass rock band (note: you’re not) because only the most easily amused people will be there to watch you. Don’t feel good about yourself when people show up to watch you either. They just have nothing better to do. And if you do act on stage or something, don’t bow when you’re done. The audience isn’t cheering FOR you, they’re cheering because your shitty performance is over and they can go home and do something worthwhile, like chew on rocks.

Art and “the arts” are a complete waste of time, space, and effort. Don’t ever get involved with this bullshit.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

R.I.P. Anna Nicole Smith

We are gathered here today,
To say goodbye.
We'll miss you every day,
Now that you've up and died.

Now I'm not going to pretend,
I'm not happy to see you go.
For you this is the end,
Well...later ho.

Yeah, that's my goodbye poem for Vickie Lynn Marshall, aka Anna Nicole Smith. I'm going to be completely honest: when I first found out Anna Nicole croaked, I was shocked. Then once the initial surprise wore off (not that I was saddened by the news, mind you), I realized something: good riddance. Come on everybody, let's hear it for Anna Nicole Smith: hip, hip, hooray!

You're such a heartless asshole! She just died and you're happy about it? How insensitive can you be?
Not insensitive enough. Oooh...another porn star/Playboy model down the drain. Big deal. That bitch was about as irreplaceable as her breasts, and equally as fake. Oh and a big HA HA to anyone who enjoyed those fun bags: they're probably melting away with the rest of Anna Nicole in the bowels of Hell right now. What a shame.

Why have I no sympathy for Vickie Lynn (which I think is a way better name than Anna Nicole)? Simple. She exemplified everything I hate about women: she was fake, shallow, vain, whorish, and worst of all, she gave the institution of marriage a big slap in the face when she married J. Howard Marshall (a man made rich from the oil industry; he was 89 years old at the time they were married). How is that a slap in the face of marriage? Marriage is supposed to be a showing of love and dedication of two individuals (I'm not specifying gender either so go eat nuts if you don't like it) who want to spend the rest of their lives together in holy matrimony. Contrary to what anyone tells you, Anna Nicole married him for his money.
But she may have actually loved him!
Right. Two problems with that theory:
1.) She was 26, he was 89- that's a 63 year difference for those of you who can't do math. In perspective, that's a man approaching the age of retirement, marrying a newborn. Tell me what the hell a 26 year old could see in an 89 year old? Wrinkles and a worn out penis maybe, but more importantly, a bottomless wallet.
2.) Women don't love.

Anna Nicole Smith married an 89 year old billionaire for his money and his money only: for that alone the bitch deserved to die and I'm thankful she did.

On another note I do really feel sorry for her 5-month old daughter. Poor kid is going to be stuck living her life in the shadow of, and in the absence of her mother. I have no clue who the child's father is, but hopefully it's someone who can pick up the slack and be a parent to the little girl. Then again, in order to get her pregnant, he must have taken it upon himself to stick himself into that hollowed-out cave-gina of hers. Oh well. There's always adoption.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

TV sucks.

Man...I remember the days when I used to watch TV regularly. Shows like Beavis & Butt-Head, Pinky & the Brain, Johnny Bravo, Doug, Hey Arnold!, Rocko's Modern Life, Ren & Stimpy...oh yeah, those were the days (yes, I like cartoons). Days when I could sit on my ass, eat chips, drink Pepsi, and not have to worry about getting annoyed by commercials about erectile dysfunction. It's not so anymore I'm afraid. Now television is littered with what can only be described as shit. Fresh, steaming, shit with peanut-chunks in it.
Television shows that I loathe:

  • Everybody Loves Raymond- Yeah, this show pisses me off. I really don't see much humor in it at all. Stupid jokes every 5 seconds followed by canned laughter and applause. Reminds me of Friends, which I also hate. Ray Ramano looks like my 9th grade civics teacher, sort of, and that just sucks. More importantly, this show tends to remind me of another I hate: Seinfeld. Why, you ask? Well, just like the tall, dumb jackass on Seinfeld (I believe his name is Kramer- you know, the racist), Everybody Loves Raymond has it's own residential douche-lick with a deep voice reminiscent of one with a mental handicap (no, Kramer doesn't have a deep voice; he still reminds me of one with a mental handicap though). Just like the one on Seinfeld and just as not-funny as the one on Seinfeld. I think any show with an arrogant-ass title like Everybody Loves Raymond should be remotely entertaining. Personally I'd rather shave my ass with a sponge than watch this garbage.

  • Seinfeld- Another one of those shows that everyone seems to love even though it's about as fun to watch as shoving a nail into your genitals. And that's being nice. Jerry Seinfeld himself has an annoying voice which is incredibly whiny and nasal sounding. I should punch that guy in the face, break his nose, then have him get rhinoplasty to remedy this little problem. What a horrible "stand-up comic" he is too. Damn...I hate when people sit around at school and talk about this show. How little meaning your life must have to talk about your favorite ooh-ha-ha moments on Seinfeld for fun.

  • Friends- I don't like this show. It's that simple.

  • Family Guy- Oh yeah, I'm gonna get a bunch of shit thrown my way for this one. Oh well, you bastards don't matter. Family Guy is a decent show to be honest. It's the fans of the show that piss me off the most. All I ever hear after someone says something anymore is "yeah, like that episode of Family Guy when..." followed by any possible shit-wanged idea you could possibly think of. Shut the hell up. It's not that damn good people. The most sickening thing about it all? When I hear people talking about Family Guy and they're like "that was so funny dude! Where do they come up with this stuff!?" Are you fucking retarded, buddy? If anyone honestly thinks any of the humor on this show is "smart" or "thought out," then I personally think that he/she just might enjoy a rimjob from an alligator. Damn stupid Family Guy t-shirts all over the place and they're all the same. The vast majority of them involve showing how hilariously evil Stewie is, or showing just how Goddamn funny Peter Griffin is by saying "Freakin' Sweet!" Enough already.

  • Just about any of those dating shows on MTV- what the hell is this anyway? Dating shows on MTV? I thought MTV was supposed to mean "Music Television" not "Moronic dating shows that are as entertaining as watching my own ass wrinkle as I age Television." Date My Mom is stupid, to say the least. Some guy/girl dates takes three different mothers on dates to try to determine whose son/daughter to go out with. That's a shitty idea. I mean, if that were me on there and I had to go on a date with my girlfriend's mom, I'd probably go home afterwards and staple my own face to a lightning rod during a thunderstorm. My girlfriend is nothing like her mother (thank God), and that's exactly what I want. So screw you and your shitty ideas for dating shows MTV. Speaking of parents that make me want to puke, let's not forget MTV's show Parental Control. In this amazing show, parents set their son/daughter up on two different dates to try to sway them to break up with their current significant other. At the end of the two dates, the son/daughter eliminates one of the three options (Mom's date, Dad's date, and the original significant other). One of the parents choices is always eliminated first, so that it comes down to parent's choice versus child's choice. Oooh....such heavy dramatic tension! The only good thing about this show is that while they are all watching the dates on television as they happen, the parents and the boyfriend/girlfriend sit there and take turns making fun of each other. If only I had such an opportunity. Ha ha...just kidding. The last of the MTV dating shows is a wonderful one indeed. In fact, the title of the show describes my response if someone were to ask me how I felt about watching it:

    You know what? Screw TV. I'll go back to playing with Tonka trucks or something.