Abolish Art

You know what one of the most awful things in the world is? Getting your ass kicked. Thankfully, I never have (and never will have) this problem.

You know what else sucks? Art. Yes, art. And when I say art, I’m talking about paintings and drawings and shit like that. Not music and movies. Music rules.

It’s all completely worthless. I mean, come on now. Art? Who really gives a shit? What good is it? It’s not. Art is completely useless.

But painting pictures is a way for an artist to express him/herself!
So? What the hell does it matter what some “artist” has to express? It doesn’t really. Especially if the person who did the painting describes his or her occupation simply as “artist.” That’s all you do? What a waste! Unless you’re doing something with your pictures, like making a cartoon about clowns who scare the shit out of kids at circuses, then your drawing is completely pointless.

I’m in college right now and I made the mistake of taking an art history class (my degree requires it, so I didn’t have much choice). So, I was thinking maybe this class would help me understand and appreciate art. And you know what? For the first time in my life, I was wrong. I have come to realize there is really nothing to appreciate about art. It’s all a bunch of inane bullshit. I hate every second of it. Sure, some of it looks good, but even when it looks nice it’s still pointless.

Now don’t get me wrong. I have no problem with people who like to draw and paint pictures in their spare time. That’s fine. It’s the people who “make art for a living” that piss me off. Worse yet are people who aspire to “be artists.” What the hell does that mean? You’re going to spend the rest of your life painting meaningless garbage and hoping to auction it off to some pompous, rich asshole who has nothing better to spend their money on. That’s what it fucking means.

I have an idea for a painting. It’s a painting in which you’re sitting there in your cold and empty one-person apartment overlooking the streets below with a bunch of pictures all over the place that you made and no one wants. Call it a self-portrait.

Fuck paintings. Fuck art. Fuck art history.

Speaking of shitty art, how about theater? There’s another degree that’s bound to lead you nowhere. Who gives two drops of bird shit about theater and plays?

This is for all of you theater majors: you’ll never be a movie star, you’ll never get on Broadway, and you’ll never be an accomplished playwright.

Unless you plan on teaching theater or something (in which case you’re an asshole), just change your plans right now because your degree in theater will get you nowhere.

Don’t act in plays and don’t go on stage unless you’re in a badass rock band (note: you’re not) because only the most easily amused people will be there to watch you. Don’t feel good about yourself when people show up to watch you either. They just have nothing better to do. And if you do act on stage or something, don’t bow when you’re done. The audience isn’t cheering FOR you, they’re cheering because your shitty performance is over and they can go home and do something worthwhile, like chew on rocks.

Art and “the arts” are a complete waste of time, space, and effort. Don’t ever get involved with this bullshit.